Lost: The Blog Post

I recently have found myself feeling more and more detached from the reality that surrounds my life. It has been a growing problem for about a year now, believed to start when I first came to college. It started with little things at first. Wake up and feel no reason to actually do anything. Over analyze small decisions to the point where none of the conclusions actually felt "correct" or "worth pursuing". I would have to say that it actually was more of a feeling deeply rooted into my subconscious. It most likely started when I was a child but, I was always able to distract myself or simply ignore it through some other convention. These days though, I have no convention to distract myself. The feeling simply continued to grow and actually began to greatly cloud my mind. It got to the point where I even began to feel no urge to write, live, laugh, experience, or simply enjoy my being. The problem? This is not who I am. I am the person everyone went to if you wanted to experience life, laugh about a problem, discuss a socially awkward situation, or even to just hang out. My solution? Fix the god damn problem, of course.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I am a man who is often lost in his head. Lost about the drifting dreamy thoughts occupying my mind. Well, having this clouding sense of depression and unknown is something that would hinder my ability to actually enjoy the time spent lost in my own conscious. My own mind was no longer the heavenly sanctuary it once was, now merely a prison of unkempt concepts. I began to think that there was something wrong with me, as if I was errored in my ability to process existence. I would have discussions with various people on these topics hoping, or praying, that they would be able to actually shed some light on this dilemma. The outcome of these conversations was something that I had never seen coming and thoroughly surprised me. I determined that this is what it meant to find yourself and thus create a sense of what it means to be "yourself".

Everyday there are people out there who simply feel they have no purpose to live or exist. They are feeling the same sense of dread that I had been feeling for a while now. The unknown freedom that humans are given to do anything they wanted. It is that feeling humans receive when there are too many options to choose from and none of them seem correct. All of the outcomes just seem to have a hue of grey and not that pleasantly simple black or white, good or bad solution. It is that ultimate sense of being lost, as if out at sea with no land in sight. I suppose what I am trying to get at with this post is that, if you are feeling this anguish, you are not alone. Everyone goes through it. We are all simply drifting through this ocean of life and praying to see a piece of land to stabilize ourselves on. It has been a year and a half of this aimless drifting and I am just starting to envision that land, although it is doubtful that it will be seen anytime soon.

People often ask me what it means to be human. My response? Humans are suppose to be lost creatures. Lost and our life purpose is to find ourselves. Find our purpose. Find our personal being. Anyways, good luck sailing out on that tyrannical sea of experiences and I hope someday you find that land you so eagerly search for.